Destructive Desire
by MiladyGirl
Summary: Strauss is struggling with a desperate desire to drink. Trigger warning: alcoholism/addiction. Oneshot.
**A/N**

I suppose it was about time I touched upon their relationship a bit more. I'm not a fan of the character Strauss, but I can understand her issues although I don't share the problem personally.

Trigger warning alcoholism/addiction.

Stay strong and be good to yourself.

* * *

Strauss knew you could blame a drinking problem on just about anything. Being a woman in a male-dominated field of work, general stress, the messy aftermath of a divorce, being plain sensitive… but in the end, these were all excuses for something that didn't need any. The simple truth was that she drank because she was an alcoholic, and she was an alcoholic because she drank. It wasn't more complicated than that, although God knew that was complicated enough. She had kept from the drink for several years now, but her resolve was wavering. She knew she tried to blame it on Alex Blake's sudden reappearance, but that was unfair. Nevertheless, Blake still refused to accept Strauss's attempts to make amends for the past, and that unsettled the Section Chief more than she wanted to admit, even to herself. She had never realised just _how_ deeply she had hurt Blake, and that ignorance of hers was haunting her now. She supposed it always would.

She still kept a bottle of fine scotch hidden in her office, like some dieters could keep a chocolate bar in their pantry, or a coupon from MacDonald's in their wallet. Part of it was probably some perverted kind of nostalgia, part of it a test of willpower. Whatever the reason, Strauss had kept the bottle and not taken a sip from it in three years. Nobody knew about its existence, not even David Rossi.

Right now, after a massive argument with Blake in the thankfully empty bullpen, Strauss needed a drink. She could have it. She could have the whole bottle, since nobody would question her where it had gone. And then she could stop by the liquor store on her way home and buy more, and then she could drink and drink until everything was…

Was what? Fine again? Nothing would be fine if she chose that path. That was the path to ruin and destruction.

Only it wasn't a matter of _wanting_ a drink, she _needed_ it. Oh yes, she needed it with the sheer intensity that a starving woman needed to eat, and she was alone in the building.

Alone in the building, and nobody knew about the bottle.

Strauss took a deep breath, held it in for a few seconds, and then released it. No. She couldn't throw everything away now. Each time things fell apart, they became more difficult to put back together, and at some point the pieces would no longer fit. There was more to life than the sweet, intoxicating promise of oblivion… wasn't there?

While she tried to convinced herself to leave well alone, her hands had acted on their own accord, taking out the bottle and the single glass from their hiding spot, unscrewing the cork and pouring a steady drink. The scent alone seemed to whisper sweet nothings to her exhausted willpower, and she raised the glass to her mouth. The amber liquid, so strong it made her eyes water, lapped at her lips like an eager but inelegant lover. The numbing tingle was so far only external, but if she just opened her mouth and welcomed it inside, it would offer the same kind of numbness to her entire self.

It would relax her body and soothe her restless mind.

It would ruin her.

As she struggled with the two strong urges, there was a gentle knock on the door, and then the visitor walked inside without waiting for a reply.

"Erin, I'm…"

Alex Blake fell silent. Strauss closed her eyes and felt hot tears of shame begin to trickle down her cheeks.

 _Just drink, you don't have any choice anymore_ , she told herself, but before she could obey her own command, Blake's hand covered hers and gently forced her to put the glass down.

"No, Erin," the other woman's voice said softly. "There is no need for that."

" _Yes_ , Alex," Strauss snapped. "I _do_ need it, isn't that obvious? I can't shake the need. I can't get past it no matter how hard I try."

"Yes, you can. I did."

Strauss turned around to face her, and Blake gazed back with a look of calm determination in her eyes.

"For almost five years after Amerithrax I got drunk every night I got home. It nearly cost me my marriage and it would have ended up costing me my job too if James hadn't gotten me into rehab before anyone found out. I know I haven't struggled with it my entire adult life the way you have, but it was hard. It _is_ hard. So the way I see it we can either do it this way; split this bottle and then we go to the nearest bar and give up. Or… we pour this poison out into the sink, and then we go anywhere there is no alcohol, and talk."

She shrugged.

"Like they say in that Morgan Freeman movie; get busy living or get busy dying. Look Erin, you really hurt me and I'm not going to lie about that to make you feel better, but I did come back now to apologise for the fight we just had. I'm not sure I can forgive everything in the blink of an eye, but I've been busy dying for a decade and I'm done with that. I think you are, too."

Strauss nodded, wiped the tears off her face and bit back a sob before the crying was a fact.

"Yeah, I think it's about time."

Blake smiled and rubbed Strauss's shoulder with genuine tenderness.

"Good. Let's go."


End file.
